Interview with Kirk Lynn

This morning I got a chance to talk to Kirk Lynn, the mind behind the incredibleness that is Cherrywood to talk about life, love, and moving on after the Cherrystorm. He was just as gracious and polite as a Texas man should be.

Andy

Hi Kirk! How's your summer going?

Kirk

Best summer ever.

I had a baby with my wife

I have a novel that is maybe just about to be bought

and I am working good these days.

Andy

Are you a professional actor?

Kirk

No way!

I acted in a couple shows and it was miserable.

I stay nervous the whole time.

I can't get it through my head that people can't hear my thoughts.

Serious.

So I am definitely an amateur.

Andy

I see. Plus you live in lousy Texas. I bet it's too hot to be an actor there.

Did you get to see Cherrywood in Chicago?

Kirk

We are getting into what we call THE ACTING SEASON, when the weather cools down enough to act.

Andy

I know the acting season.

Kirk

I did see Cherrywood in Chicago with a good good friend of mine who was from there and was always like, NO, Chicago is not just a big mall in the midwest, it is an actual city. So I went with him and was so happy!

Andy

What did you think?

Of the show in general, and the chicks in particular.

Kirk

I had a lot of thoughts. At first I was embarrassed, because I thought OH NO, THE WRITING IS GOING TO STINK PANTS.

But then I relaxed and got to just be there in the acting and the direction and forget about myself.

Seeing 49 people on stage is hot.

Andy

Was that what you imagined the show to look like? Were you in discussion with anybody before it got started?

Kirk

they just kept coming on...which is how i like it. And Ithink there should be more people making out in plays. always...

Cromer would text me these great questions. So i had some idea what he was thinking. But it was funny to only be able to respond by text.

I think we have only spoken once or twice by non text.

Andy

Do you think David Cromer is a witch?

Kirk

Super witch.

Andy

So...Why do you hate WalMart so much?

Kirk

They paid for all that product placement. Mr. Walmart was like, MY BUSINESS IS DYING BECAUSE I CANNOT GET MENTIONED IN PLAYS...

and I was like, I WILL MENTION YOU... FOR A PRICE!

Andy

Ohhhhhh. Ok.

Kirk

I love Walmart. I really would like to steal a bunch of their stuff.

Andy

Good luck with THAT, buddy. You know where you can steal really good stuff? Forever 21.

Kirk

i need diapers. do you realize how much a were baby poops!

Andy

You have a WEREBABY!!?

Kirk

also, I heard a rumor that Barnes and Nobles, as a policy, does not stop shoplifters. I am just saying I heard it.

My baby drinks the milk!!!!

Andy

Your baby sounds creepy, but still beautiful.

Kirk

It takes one to know one

Andy

So Kirk, if you could say one wonderful thing to the now defunct cast of the hottest play of the miliennium, what would it be?

And don't say something gay.

Kirk

Oh please, I want to be with them. In a serious kind of way. I want to get a lake house and have a reunion in which a lot of shit gets broken and then in the morning when they all wake up and the cops show up and they all get arrested I want to leave a note that says, THIS ISn'T EVEN MY LAKE HOUSE it is just some random Lake person's lake house who doesn't even live here but wastes their life in the concrete city when they know they are a lake person, so don't you waste your life too like that...you are too beautiful! And then I would arrange it so that I pay for all their bail and David Cromer is their parole officers, all of them.

That answer can be printed out and cut up and smoked.

Andy

That is beautiful. Best of luck, Kirk with everything from your fans in Chicago, and raise your baby right and have a taco for lunch.

Kirk

kisseessss! See you at the opening of Cherrywood II, the Milkening!

This Fat Guy Has Something To Tell You

Cherrywood is fucking sold out this weekend, mang.  So, FUCK YOU.

WHY IS CHERRYWOOD NOT PLAYING THIS WEEKEND!?!?!?!

Ok, everyone, that's it.  I'm so sick about this.  I just want to puke and have God clean it up while Satan laughs!

Cherrywood is NOT PLAYING THIS WEEKEND!

Are you dummy people, Mary Arrchie?  Not playing the BIGGEST hit of the summer on a fat weekend when NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING?  CAPS LOCK!!!!!!!

I just don't understand...my mind is reeling.  AND rocking.  But, do you want to know the biggest insult?  Cherrywood is being replaced by the absolutely ridiculous and past its prime Abbie Hoffman Died for Your Sins Festival.  Sorry, people who are saving theatre!  We have to kick you out because it's time for the 22nd YEAR OF CRAP.

Listen, we all know that Abbie Fest is a vipers nest of demonic sin and a self loathing orgy for useless college grads.  Go hang out at the Sovereign, you dirty punks!

Cherrywood is a Sunday School for real artists.  It's a magical place where the hottest people in town are saying the most important things in America.  And you, Mary Arrchie, decided to throw a party where JACK FUCKING TAMBURRI GETS TWO SLOTS????

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

You know what, fine.  FINE.  I'll still go to the Abbie Fest, since I'm directing the Factory's "The New Adventures of Popeye the Sailor" which plays at 11pm on Friday.  Anderson Lawfer and Esteban Andres Cruz will be in "The New Mrs. Anderson" at 10:55pm on Saturday.  And all my good pals will hang out on the street drinking beer in complete defiance of JESUS' WORD.

But...I'm so disappointed.  Between this, Brett Favre, and the Blago trial...well, it might be time for a bullet salad served with a side of Heartbreak dressing.

Enjoy the 22nd Annual Abbie Hoffman Festival at Angel Island theater this weekend folks!  But not Cherrywood...because everything is balls.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer