CHERRYWOOD REVIEW Pt. 1

The night finally came.

This is a night I have waited for for years and years.

Basically since I've known David Cromer and Rich Cotovsky. We have been friends and drinking partners, respectfully, but now it was a chance to enjoy their art and the art of other actors I respect, admire and would like to kiss.

The remarkable Eric Roach and I have been half-assedly following this production with a real eye on the human stories behind this bohemoth, and tonight would be no different.

I had spent the day on the beach, quietly reflecting on what I expected from my experience, and what they could humanly offer me, for my expectations were great and impossible to meet.

But that's the thing with this world. You read about things you want to see or visit and watch on television advertisements that promise you a certain feeling of comfort for buying their product, but are often left with more questions than answers. Expectations are very rarely met.

And then I went to Gene's Sausage Shop. Sweet Lord Above I have never been transported to a planet filled with so much beauty. I had heard stories, but had been let down by my friends reccomendations in the past. For example: last week a friend told me to rent Twilight (the first one) and since there has been so much talk recently about these weirdo kids and that girl Kristen Stewart, that you just wanna hit so hard because she makes that useless emotionless face all girls have when they are 16 and thought that they couldn't get pregnant if they just acted like they didn't care enough, and man did that movie suck. Wait. Maybe it didn't. I couldn't tell you for sure, because I fell asleep when the VAMPIRE FAMILY SOFTBALL GAME started.

Anyway, I bought this premade sausage/mushroom/pepper thing at Gene's and it was safely in the fridge at home to either celebrate the great show, or to console me if I was let down by the Mary Arrchie ensemble.

I arrived at the theater in great style and was recieved immediately by the famed and beautiful Mary Rose O'Connor. I do not know if she is a Stage Manager or Body Wrangler or Whatever but man is she nice to see when you first get there. She was all smiling, and had a couple of chairs for me and my wife and my friend. She said that these were the best seats in the house and was sure I wouldn't be disappointed with her choice, lifting my expectations.

I walked into the theater that I immediately noticed was in a different shape than usual. Also, there were so many famous audience members! I was surrounded by the likes of Bryson Engleson, Manny Tammayo, Anita Deely, Mark Jeffries, Nikki Klix, Scott Oken, Sam Szigeti, Zach Bloomfield, James Elly, Kim Boler, Kevin Alves, Ryan Palmer, Shannon O'Neil and basically if you had an All Star team of rocking fucking dudes and chicks, this is it and they were all there to see this play!

This awesome awesome play (I had heard).

The lights went out. The play had begun.

Out comes this dude with a beard named Ryan Borque, I think. It's hard to guess everyones names, so from here on out, I might just make up some people's names, or even just call everyone Jenn Santanello, because I think she is so nice and great in this show. So Beardy comes in and stands by this lamp and starts talking about some crazy shit about what it's like to be him and how parties are all like this chance to change.

Then Carlo Garca and Shannon Clausen come out, and I guess they are roommates with Beardy, and they keep wanting to talk about fucking each other and bands that start with the letter "A" and I wonder what kind of peppers are in the sausage and mushroom thing I got at home because I bet the mushroom are baby portabella even though they were advertised as crimini.

That's the thing sometimes with plays with hippie kids in them. Sometimes while you are watching it, and they are talking about the Buzzcocks or the dangers of WalMart, you start to wonder about what you have in your refridgerator.

The doorbell rings and who is behind it? None other than the incredible Caroline Neff, dressed like the other hippies, maybe to fit in, or maybe she is a spy, or maybe they have the same costume designer.

Neff brought the milk. "What does that mean?" you ask. It means that Caroline Neff brings on this jar of milk and they all start drinking from it. Is this milk an awesome metaphor for...say..."adulthood" or..."alcoholism"? Let's get to that later.

Next is a beautiful little vignette between two older gentlemen named Noah Simon and Raymond Shoemaker. They talk about going to parties and what kinds of questions people ask each other at parties and man I hope they used a lot of garlic in the marinade and what kind of sausage do you think it is because I like pork sausage the most and oh my god Geoff Button is here.

Geoff Button is talking to a person named Dereck Garner. Dereck Garner is a dude that your mom tried to steal away if you are a girl, or a guy that you experimented with in college if you are a guy because he really gets it you know?

He never wears a shirt and he's always trippin' on ecstacy and giving you milk. Geoff Button wanted to fuck him, and so will you. Nothing is more attractive than knit caps and bare chests on the same guy at the same time. Dereck Garner is the Mayor of Bonerdelphia.

Well, it was Geoff Button's turn to give me a monologue. It was about how he feels dead inside and all he does is wag his head at people and he will gladly bang a dude just to feel alive again because his soul is crying and I wonder if lemonade goes good with that style of mushrooms and sausage and what if I really like it and want some more but they are sold out and the doorbell rings again and then everyone on the planet who isn't in the audience walks in.

It is magical.

Dudes, I see a lot of plays and there are some moments that you just can't beat, and this has that.

You can tell no one in the cast is sleeping together, because they all dance like they want to see each other naked, but are too shy to ask.

For example, if Nick Mikula would just ask Brianna De Giulio to get naked, you know she would. That isn't here nor there, though.

What is here and there is Geoff Button crowd surfing around the room, and holy Lord is it cool.

Rich Cotovsky got shot, too. I think that was just in the show I saw though, because it was so believable, I am pretty sure, he really got shot. Probably by one of the Jenn Santanellos out there.

Mob justice takes over and everyone has a box of something and the gun is somewhere in the fridge or whatever and I wonder if my sausage salad is in there too.

Get back to the dancing, you beautiful children!

It was not to be though, we talked some more about WalMart and right when things were about to maybe turn into an orgy, somebody invited a black guy. Everyone eats pizza!

Molly Reynolds ate some. Marika Englehardt ate some. You know who didn't?

Have you ever been to a party where there WASN'T a creepy guy in the bathroom bleeding everywhere and breaking up with his girlfriend?

Me niether. At this party, it was none other than Michael Dice Jr., gettin' weird on some Santanello about...I don't know, but that didn't matter, because not everything is for us to know all the time. Plus, the bathroom moves around the house, so...

Listen, I have much more to say about this play, but let's use this as a jumping off point for conversations about Cherrywood, Geoff Button, and Gene's Sausage Shoppe.

Let's talk more about this later. If you are looking for a pull quote though, let's just say...

"SAUSAGE IS A SEX DRUG FOR YOUR HEART BUT CHERRYWOOD IS A SEX DRUG FOR YOUR EYES AND EARS."

Fuck You, WalMart!!!