Interview with Kirk Lynn

This morning I got a chance to talk to Kirk Lynn, the mind behind the incredibleness that is Cherrywood to talk about life, love, and moving on after the Cherrystorm. He was just as gracious and polite as a Texas man should be.

Andy

Hi Kirk! How's your summer going?

Kirk

Best summer ever.

I had a baby with my wife

I have a novel that is maybe just about to be bought

and I am working good these days.

Andy

Are you a professional actor?

Kirk

No way!

I acted in a couple shows and it was miserable.

I stay nervous the whole time.

I can't get it through my head that people can't hear my thoughts.

Serious.

So I am definitely an amateur.

Andy

I see. Plus you live in lousy Texas. I bet it's too hot to be an actor there.

Did you get to see Cherrywood in Chicago?

Kirk

We are getting into what we call THE ACTING SEASON, when the weather cools down enough to act.

Andy

I know the acting season.

Kirk

I did see Cherrywood in Chicago with a good good friend of mine who was from there and was always like, NO, Chicago is not just a big mall in the midwest, it is an actual city. So I went with him and was so happy!

Andy

What did you think?

Of the show in general, and the chicks in particular.

Kirk

I had a lot of thoughts. At first I was embarrassed, because I thought OH NO, THE WRITING IS GOING TO STINK PANTS.

But then I relaxed and got to just be there in the acting and the direction and forget about myself.

Seeing 49 people on stage is hot.

Andy

Was that what you imagined the show to look like? Were you in discussion with anybody before it got started?

Kirk

they just kept coming on...which is how i like it. And Ithink there should be more people making out in plays. always...

Cromer would text me these great questions. So i had some idea what he was thinking. But it was funny to only be able to respond by text.

I think we have only spoken once or twice by non text.

Andy

Do you think David Cromer is a witch?

Kirk

Super witch.

Andy

So...Why do you hate WalMart so much?

Kirk

They paid for all that product placement. Mr. Walmart was like, MY BUSINESS IS DYING BECAUSE I CANNOT GET MENTIONED IN PLAYS...

and I was like, I WILL MENTION YOU... FOR A PRICE!

Andy

Ohhhhhh. Ok.

Kirk

I love Walmart. I really would like to steal a bunch of their stuff.

Andy

Good luck with THAT, buddy. You know where you can steal really good stuff? Forever 21.

Kirk

i need diapers. do you realize how much a were baby poops!

Andy

You have a WEREBABY!!?

Kirk

also, I heard a rumor that Barnes and Nobles, as a policy, does not stop shoplifters. I am just saying I heard it.

My baby drinks the milk!!!!

Andy

Your baby sounds creepy, but still beautiful.

Kirk

It takes one to know one

Andy

So Kirk, if you could say one wonderful thing to the now defunct cast of the hottest play of the miliennium, what would it be?

And don't say something gay.

Kirk

Oh please, I want to be with them. In a serious kind of way. I want to get a lake house and have a reunion in which a lot of shit gets broken and then in the morning when they all wake up and the cops show up and they all get arrested I want to leave a note that says, THIS ISn'T EVEN MY LAKE HOUSE it is just some random Lake person's lake house who doesn't even live here but wastes their life in the concrete city when they know they are a lake person, so don't you waste your life too like that...you are too beautiful! And then I would arrange it so that I pay for all their bail and David Cromer is their parole officers, all of them.

That answer can be printed out and cut up and smoked.

Andy

That is beautiful. Best of luck, Kirk with everything from your fans in Chicago, and raise your baby right and have a taco for lunch.

Kirk

kisseessss! See you at the opening of Cherrywood II, the Milkening!

This Fat Guy Has Something To Tell You

Cherrywood is fucking sold out this weekend, mang.  So, FUCK YOU.

WHY IS CHERRYWOOD NOT PLAYING THIS WEEKEND!?!?!?!

Ok, everyone, that's it.  I'm so sick about this.  I just want to puke and have God clean it up while Satan laughs!

Cherrywood is NOT PLAYING THIS WEEKEND!

Are you dummy people, Mary Arrchie?  Not playing the BIGGEST hit of the summer on a fat weekend when NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING?  CAPS LOCK!!!!!!!

I just don't understand...my mind is reeling.  AND rocking.  But, do you want to know the biggest insult?  Cherrywood is being replaced by the absolutely ridiculous and past its prime Abbie Hoffman Died for Your Sins Festival.  Sorry, people who are saving theatre!  We have to kick you out because it's time for the 22nd YEAR OF CRAP.

Listen, we all know that Abbie Fest is a vipers nest of demonic sin and a self loathing orgy for useless college grads.  Go hang out at the Sovereign, you dirty punks!

Cherrywood is a Sunday School for real artists.  It's a magical place where the hottest people in town are saying the most important things in America.  And you, Mary Arrchie, decided to throw a party where JACK FUCKING TAMBURRI GETS TWO SLOTS????

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

You know what, fine.  FINE.  I'll still go to the Abbie Fest, since I'm directing the Factory's "The New Adventures of Popeye the Sailor" which plays at 11pm on Friday.  Anderson Lawfer and Esteban Andres Cruz will be in "The New Mrs. Anderson" at 10:55pm on Saturday.  And all my good pals will hang out on the street drinking beer in complete defiance of JESUS' WORD.

But...I'm so disappointed.  Between this, Brett Favre, and the Blago trial...well, it might be time for a bullet salad served with a side of Heartbreak dressing.

Enjoy the 22nd Annual Abbie Hoffman Festival at Angel Island theater this weekend folks!  But not Cherrywood...because everything is balls.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

CHERRYWOOD REVIEW Pt. 3

Don't even try and deny it
'Cos you're gonna have a Party tonight
And you know we're gonna do it tonight
We're gonna lose it all
When you open your door!
Party, Party, There's gonna be a party Tonight!

-Andrew WK, It's Time To Party

I wish Andrew WK was in Cherrywood.  Then he could have stopped in and helped everyone out with some really good party tips, like lining your chip bowls with paper towels for easy blood cleanup.

So, Cherrywood...I mean, if you're reading this you probably know what it is and what it "represents."  Apparently the hipsters are saving theater for 20 bucks a head over at the Angel Island theater on West Sheridan.  If by hipsters you mean a 47 year old director, a 25 year old storefront theatre stalwart, and a cast and crew with ages that range from 20 to 100 (Rich Cotovsky).

In the play werewolves stand in as a symbol for change as the all-night party is an opportunity for transformation. (I'm immediately reminded of hipster wolf t-shirt phenomenon from a few years ago.) But just like hipsters, it's a mistake to assume this play is concerned only with fashion disguised as politics or intellectualism. What is the play about at its heart? It's vaguely about change, especially, at the end, about the irony of being faced with the real possibility for change after you've been abstractly ruminating about it all night--but it's phrased as an inquiry and not an answer, which is basically what hipster culture is about. Which is a legitimate political position in its own right. We are the first generation of bohemian youth culture that's not going to look like idiots--like the hippies and the punks--later for pretending to have all the answers, when all we had was a new way of dressing stupid. ("I get depressed when I realize I'll never know how human history ends" one character says--we know the limits of our knowledge.) We know we dress like idiots and we know, as the play's characters do, that when they're talking about Aerosmith's disappointments as the play's characters do, they're also talking about our own failed (for now) potential if we refuse to be more than wittily, babblingly, unsubstantially uncommunicative.

-Monica Westin, Why Hipsters Will Save Theatre: Cherrywood

Monica, you are a good writer...and you are the first person I've ever met who ever WANTED to be a hipster.  I think you make some cogent points, disguised in a love letter to aloof skinny kids who shop at American Apparel, but tell people it's from Brown Elephant.  But, I think you may be experiencing what Aristotle and my dad called "hubris."  You seem to be claiming a play for a subculture, when the play desperately wants to be claimed by EVERYONE.  That's the point, and even after two viewings, you seem to have missed it.

There were two cool old lesbians sitting next to my wife and I at the top of the show.  About 20 minutes in, for reasons unknown to me or my wife (or God, since they are lesbians) they decided to leave.  It's not easy to leave Cherrywood once it's running.  The stage is basically an in-the-round set up with seats lining all four walls, and there is NO intermission.  So, they walked through the show.  One at a time...and what was interesting was that once they entered the playing field, I could not distinguish them from the rest of the crowd.  The second one almost got kicked in the face by a fight scene, but how could she have known it was coming?  It was untelegraphed, and sudden, just like a fight that might happen at a real party with real people.  This play was not for them, and they realized it right away.  That's fine...this play is not for everyone, even though it wants to be.  I'm not sure I've ever seen a play that was so desperate for people to like it, or at least accept it.  It's screaming that even if you hate me, you have to understand that I exist.  I matter, I happen, this is happening all the time.  All the time.

As I sat in my seat in the theatre house, about 5 minutes before the play began, I started to feel nauseous.  I began to sweat and feel very nervous.  The play began, and not 10 minutes in I leaned to my wife and said "Oh lord, I think I might have to vomit or defecate madly!  What will I do, love?"  She shrugged and suggested a possible exit and then I had a small epiphany.  "OH," I said to my brain, "This is exactly how I used to feel in high school right before I went to a party with strangers."  As soon as I realized this, I was totally fine.  So, kudos to Cherrywood for taking me back in time to an extremely awkward and terrible period in my life.

Cherrywood does have some things that don't work.  But, I have to ask, do they not work by design?  Is it boring and weird on purpose?  And the only answer is "Yes, of course, silly, are you a dummy guy?"  My inner voice hates stupid questions.  Yes, the acting is stilted...because when you have 49 people on stage they can't all be bad actors.  Statistically impossible...monkeys can do this job.  Yes, the dialogue is cringeworthy at points.  You will get tired of hearing statements that wouldn't ever get Liked on your News Feed...but once again, by design it is done (Yoda-style).  Haven't you been cornered at a party by Brian Amidei?  Just nonsense that most people keep nodding and nodding along with...ask Geoff Button about nodding, and what it's like to stare at Dereck Garner's chest.  Dear god, he's carved out of marble.  I want to know if he has a sister, so she can film us doing it.

The show does not have a narrative structure that resembles anything close to dramatic, but it is one of the most tension filled shows I have ever seen.  Almost to the point of dread...but then nothing really happens.  Also, by design...and a sign of the times.  It also plays off the idea of many horror films...put people in a bad situation in an enclosed space and make them sweat.  But, then again, modern life has sort of resembled a horror movie for a while now, with no payoff except more and more fear of the future.  So, let's watch some funny cat videos, because god forbid we confront that whole scenario of terror.

There are so many people in the show, and I know a few of them.  Some I've known for years, and some that I've met through the interwebs recently.  But, I do find it interesting that when I would tell people I was coming, I didn't get a standard response and no one ever begged me to come and see it.  It was always, "Well, I'll be interested to talk to you about it!"  What the hell does that mean?  It means, y'all, that there is a LOT to talk about in this show.  That it causes conversation.  I would love to have a chat with someone who absolutely hated it, just to find out why.  I mean, they'd be wrong, but it's always good to listen to people's opinions.  Especially haters, because haters gonna hate.

"But, Eric Roach, what does it all mean?" you shout, pissed off that this might actually be a real review and not as snarky and bitchy as you'd like, "What can you really say about it?"

It does not have a beginning, although the beginning already happened, and it does not have an ending, although we are all headed there.  There is nothing to be said, although if you listen really hard you can hear it.  And sometimes, every once in a blue moon, the best thing that can happen to you is to dance to The Animals at 6 in the morning and not care one bit how it looks or what people think.

Oh, and sometimes Lindsay Pearlman gets sick of your fucking shit and yells at you to shut up.  That actually has happened to me at every party I've ever been to, or will go to.  Good casting, Cromer.

Cherrywood: B+ (because I thought I might puke at the beginning, and that sucks)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

CHERRYWOOD REVIEW Pt. 2

...and...

49 Actors (Guest Reviewer MARK PRACHT)

'If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this particular show, and it may be the only thing, as I don’t know when the hell I’m gonna actually see it, is that if the “4” and “9” keys on your keyboard stopped working, it’d be absolutely impossible to write a review of this play.

“wrangling 49 will-bleed-for-Cromer actors—yep, 49” – Chris Jones

“jamming a cast of 49 into the intimate confines of Mary-Arrchie” – Hedy Weiss

“Cromer packs a cast of 49 into Mary-Arrchie Theatre's cramped space” - Justin Hayford

“the cast of this Mary-Arrchie Theatre Company production totals 49 bodies” - Mary Shen Barnidge

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I think we all get the idea. Big kudos to Kris Vire at Time Out Chicago for leaping to “around 50.” I guess we can always count on TOC to go outside the box. I salute your rebel ways, Kris.

Still, 49. I mean, forty-fucking-nine!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Seriously, Cromer, what? Was 48 not good enough for you? Was 50 just lame? Everyone on God’s green earth knows damn well how pretentious odd numbers are, so OF COURSE you had to go there.

48 would’ve made so much sense. 50 would’ve blown my mind with coolness. But OH NO, not for David Cromer!! He has to go right for that “I’m too avant-garde to go for a round number, buddy!! I’m making FUCKING ART here!!”

Well, you know what, Mr. David Cromer? The Earth is round. A Baseball, the AMERICAN pastime, is round. The fucking UNIVERSE? Y’know what it is? It’s a goddamn spiral. A Spiral! Y’know what that is? IT’S FUCKING ROUND!! Everybody likes round things, except for, I guess…YOU.

God! The only thing worse you could’ve done was use 42 actors, because then I’d have to beat ya with the complete works of Douglas Adams.'

My Cherrywood Nights or David Cromer Stole My Childhood (Guest Reviewer ZEV VALANCY)

Many of you, reading the various articles about Cherrywood (some of which are even based on fact, and interviews which actually took place) might have gotten the impression that David Cromer’s production is the Chicago premiere of Kirk Lynn’s 2004 Austin-set mindfuck. But it is not so. Shade Murray directed it as his first year directing project while getting his MFA at Northwestern. This is the production that Cromer saw, which got him interested in the script in the first place. Cromer then worked on it in a student production at Act One Studios, and now here it is at Mary-Arrchie, the Greatest Chicago Theatre Event In History.

But who remembers the previous productions? I do. I was in Shade Murray’s Cherrywood (and who hasn’t wanted to get in Shade Murray’s Cherrywood?), and I can tell the tale. Cromer used my experiences, from when I was a tender lad of 21, to create his play, and I feel used. And sort of exhilarated.

Shade chose twelve of the best and brightest—or at least twelve of the hardest to embarrass and least likely to ask “what’s the point of this?”—to be his intrepid cast. We viewpointed, we created unscripted moments, we did sun salutations, we didn’t know how the show was ending until about three nights before we opened. It was a little bit of a cult.

We had no budget for tech and no stage manager, so there were no light cues, the set was mostly made of cardboard boxes, the costumes were pulled from storage, and the sound cues came from Shade running his iPod from the booth, with speakers sitting on the back of the stage.

And it was pretty awesome. Yes, twelve people doesn’t make a realistic party, and yes, the script can get a little bogged down and/or weird. But I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same kind of ownership over a play again. We built that damn show with our bare hands. We had three performances in a hundred-some seat theatre and were done. (And it was the last show I did before my graduation the next month.)

But then Cromer saw it, and suddenly we weren’t so special any more. He just had to do it with a greater degree of difficulty: four times the cast size, an actual set, a reconfigured theatre, critics, and on and on. And of course he’s David Cromer, so he’s watched like a hawk by everyone, and doing something like this…well, that’s newsworthy.

So I’m torn between being happy that more people will get to know this show and being jealous that Cromer’s version has gotten way more attention. I’m no longer special for having in Cherrywood—in fact, theatre people in Chicago who haven’t are harder to find these days. And doubtless Cromer took some stuff from our production, or made some changes that feel wrong, or generally messed with my memories of the show. Things will doubtless drive my crazy about the production.

But fuck it. I’m still going.

Cherrywood Partying this Weekend (Guest Reviewer POP TARPS)

Holla at’cha, Cherrywatchers! Party expert, Pop Tarps, here. Givin’ you the 411 on where to spot all the beautiful bods and hot messes of C-Wood when they wanna toss aside their playacting scripts, pop some psychostimulants, and dance a Friday night all the way into the following Monday around 9:30am. From the exclusive $900 plate galas to the cheeky, back alley kink clubs, these celebs will be the blip blip blip on my fun-o-finder and then the hummada hummada hummada in your day2day convos around the La Croix fountain.

If you plan on cashing in your Virgin Atlantic frequent flyer miles this holiday weekend to visit family in some boondock city in Minneapolis or Arlington Cemetery in wherever that is, cancel those dead end engagements. STAT. OMGawd. Chicago is about to get caliente hot. Like sriracha sauce hot. Like Efron/Hudgens lovechild hot. Like Great Chicago Fire II hot. Sick C-Wood party action is all the buzz this weekend and anybody who is anybody who has a sexybody is asking, “Where are these sexy soldiers of the stage supposed to be glad-handin’ and booty-bumpin” Well, a-ten-hut, Private. The one line you wanna be fallin’ into is the one outside of Le Passage this Saturday. If you have to ask, “Where’s that,” do yourself a service and stay at home with your chamomile and your Northern Exposure box set.

Sources tell me that some 8 or 9 members of the cast plan on rolling up to the sultry discotheque sometime around midnight. And in style, too! I’ve been told that the jet-black suits at Mary-Arrchie have reserved each bombshell and hunk-hound their own personal stretch Hummer for the trip down (or on? lol) LSD. Now that’s what I call fringe benefits! Oh, and did I mention who’s leading this anything but passé pose to the Gold Coast’s creme de la crème de las nightclubs. Let’s just say, no, ahhhhh, Simon says, “Shhhhhh”.

If you want to bump buns and kiss faces with these A-listers , B-warned, C-Wooders are no early birds. Be prepared to stay out late! And definitely bring some extra c-notes. Not only do they act big, but they spend big, too.

As always, I’ve said too much.

Pop Tarps

An Interview with Mary Rose O'Connor! EXCLUSIVE!

I recently sat down with the gorgeous and eye-shadowed Mary Rose O'Connor to talk with her about all things Cherrywood!  Did she lose her cool, or was it fun for all?  Let's see!  NOW!

Tell me about a time when you had to work closely with a coworker whom you disliked or with whom you had trouble working. What did you do to make the relationship work so you could succeed for your company?


That's a great question Eric. It's hard to answer this because I'm the kind of person who really gets along with everyone. But let's say, for example I worked very closely with 49 people that I may or may not have disliked or had trouble working with. I've found that in large-group circumstances such as these, people really respond best to a nurturing figure in the room. It makes everyone feel like they're being thought of as individuals, taken care of, and most of all adorable.

In my employment history, I don't usually encounter a lot of one-on-one conflict, but in large groups, it is hard to manage, and even harder to predict. So as a precaution, a great strategy I've come up with, is plant a gorgeous shirtless man in the room every night, and then infect him with various undetectable strains of influenza. Force that man to share drinks or make physical contact with every fondle-worthy female in the room; they won't resist because WHY WOULD YOU. Over time, the illness will spread to the entire group. Once this has taken affect, I then have the ultimate advantage of playing Mama Hen. Also providing couches and beds for which these groups can snuggle or give back-rub trains has proven to be a really effective tool in keeping them cooperative, smiling, and semi-erect. I understand that this becomes a question of ethics, but I'm a non-confrontational person. I have to find ways around my (very few) shortcomings.

Tell me about a time when you disagreed with the actions or decisions of your manager or supervisor. How did you approach the situation? Was the situation resolved to your satisfaction or did nothing change?


I'm glad you brought up David Cromer. Listen, the man is brill. Have you even SEEN Cherrywood? BUT his love for Quiznos is something I could never stand behind. I'm a positive person, and as I said before, non-confrontational. So instead of calling him out on their unappealing commercials and dangerous location at the corner of Clarendon and Broadway, I decided to lead by example. On many occasions I came in with a Subway bag of delicious, steaming, meatbally goodness. Perhaps he thought I was indicating too much when I moaned with each bite, paused, and then watched to see if he noticed. I tried my best, but I guess that wasn't good enough. I'm not even 100% sure he noticed. Regardless, the fact remains that we never met half-way on the sandwich front. I don't think this necessarily hurt our working relationship, but lunch breaks were always a little bit tense, from my end of things.

Is Dereck Garner really that handsome?


I hired him for a very specific reason, and he gets the job done. [See also: Influenza strains.]

Tell me about a time when you worked with a friend or a coworker who became a friend. What did you do to ensure that the friendship bore positive results for your company?

Two words: Hinkles, HJs

Describe a conflict you were involved in at work. How did you resolve the conflict? What happened next with that coworker or team?

Well, a couple weeks ago, the cast killed Craig Cunningham. No one outside of Cherrywood has really noticed that he's been missing. I think they just assume he's been rehearsing, but I worry about the authorities stumbling onto the sign-in sheet and noticing his name isn't there. The cast is really good about not signing in for other people. No one's been questioned yet, and I actually haven't be able to talk about it until now. So again, thank you for interviewing me.

Do you think you are better than me?

No, you're the famous Eric Roach. I'm a huge fan of your work.

What are three examples of the kinds of behaviors, actions, or attitudes you are most likely to conflict with at work?

 

Being called lady as a term of endearment, PDMs (Public Displays of Massaging), "boy trouble"

Cherrywood (Review to Come)

We don't want to say what we think of this play yet, but a review in the works and we hope you are all proud of yourselves.

CHERRYWOOD REVIEW Pt. 1

The night finally came.

This is a night I have waited for for years and years.

Basically since I've known David Cromer and Rich Cotovsky. We have been friends and drinking partners, respectfully, but now it was a chance to enjoy their art and the art of other actors I respect, admire and would like to kiss.

The remarkable Eric Roach and I have been half-assedly following this production with a real eye on the human stories behind this bohemoth, and tonight would be no different.

I had spent the day on the beach, quietly reflecting on what I expected from my experience, and what they could humanly offer me, for my expectations were great and impossible to meet.

But that's the thing with this world. You read about things you want to see or visit and watch on television advertisements that promise you a certain feeling of comfort for buying their product, but are often left with more questions than answers. Expectations are very rarely met.

And then I went to Gene's Sausage Shop. Sweet Lord Above I have never been transported to a planet filled with so much beauty. I had heard stories, but had been let down by my friends reccomendations in the past. For example: last week a friend told me to rent Twilight (the first one) and since there has been so much talk recently about these weirdo kids and that girl Kristen Stewart, that you just wanna hit so hard because she makes that useless emotionless face all girls have when they are 16 and thought that they couldn't get pregnant if they just acted like they didn't care enough, and man did that movie suck. Wait. Maybe it didn't. I couldn't tell you for sure, because I fell asleep when the VAMPIRE FAMILY SOFTBALL GAME started.

Anyway, I bought this premade sausage/mushroom/pepper thing at Gene's and it was safely in the fridge at home to either celebrate the great show, or to console me if I was let down by the Mary Arrchie ensemble.

I arrived at the theater in great style and was recieved immediately by the famed and beautiful Mary Rose O'Connor. I do not know if she is a Stage Manager or Body Wrangler or Whatever but man is she nice to see when you first get there. She was all smiling, and had a couple of chairs for me and my wife and my friend. She said that these were the best seats in the house and was sure I wouldn't be disappointed with her choice, lifting my expectations.

I walked into the theater that I immediately noticed was in a different shape than usual. Also, there were so many famous audience members! I was surrounded by the likes of Bryson Engleson, Manny Tammayo, Anita Deely, Mark Jeffries, Nikki Klix, Scott Oken, Sam Szigeti, Zach Bloomfield, James Elly, Kim Boler, Kevin Alves, Ryan Palmer, Shannon O'Neil and basically if you had an All Star team of rocking fucking dudes and chicks, this is it and they were all there to see this play!

This awesome awesome play (I had heard).

The lights went out. The play had begun.

Out comes this dude with a beard named Ryan Borque, I think. It's hard to guess everyones names, so from here on out, I might just make up some people's names, or even just call everyone Jenn Santanello, because I think she is so nice and great in this show. So Beardy comes in and stands by this lamp and starts talking about some crazy shit about what it's like to be him and how parties are all like this chance to change.

Then Carlo Garca and Shannon Clausen come out, and I guess they are roommates with Beardy, and they keep wanting to talk about fucking each other and bands that start with the letter "A" and I wonder what kind of peppers are in the sausage and mushroom thing I got at home because I bet the mushroom are baby portabella even though they were advertised as crimini.

That's the thing sometimes with plays with hippie kids in them. Sometimes while you are watching it, and they are talking about the Buzzcocks or the dangers of WalMart, you start to wonder about what you have in your refridgerator.

The doorbell rings and who is behind it? None other than the incredible Caroline Neff, dressed like the other hippies, maybe to fit in, or maybe she is a spy, or maybe they have the same costume designer.

Neff brought the milk. "What does that mean?" you ask. It means that Caroline Neff brings on this jar of milk and they all start drinking from it. Is this milk an awesome metaphor for...say..."adulthood" or..."alcoholism"? Let's get to that later.

Next is a beautiful little vignette between two older gentlemen named Noah Simon and Raymond Shoemaker. They talk about going to parties and what kinds of questions people ask each other at parties and man I hope they used a lot of garlic in the marinade and what kind of sausage do you think it is because I like pork sausage the most and oh my god Geoff Button is here.

Geoff Button is talking to a person named Dereck Garner. Dereck Garner is a dude that your mom tried to steal away if you are a girl, or a guy that you experimented with in college if you are a guy because he really gets it you know?

He never wears a shirt and he's always trippin' on ecstacy and giving you milk. Geoff Button wanted to fuck him, and so will you. Nothing is more attractive than knit caps and bare chests on the same guy at the same time. Dereck Garner is the Mayor of Bonerdelphia.

Well, it was Geoff Button's turn to give me a monologue. It was about how he feels dead inside and all he does is wag his head at people and he will gladly bang a dude just to feel alive again because his soul is crying and I wonder if lemonade goes good with that style of mushrooms and sausage and what if I really like it and want some more but they are sold out and the doorbell rings again and then everyone on the planet who isn't in the audience walks in.

It is magical.

Dudes, I see a lot of plays and there are some moments that you just can't beat, and this has that.

You can tell no one in the cast is sleeping together, because they all dance like they want to see each other naked, but are too shy to ask.

For example, if Nick Mikula would just ask Brianna De Giulio to get naked, you know she would. That isn't here nor there, though.

What is here and there is Geoff Button crowd surfing around the room, and holy Lord is it cool.

Rich Cotovsky got shot, too. I think that was just in the show I saw though, because it was so believable, I am pretty sure, he really got shot. Probably by one of the Jenn Santanellos out there.

Mob justice takes over and everyone has a box of something and the gun is somewhere in the fridge or whatever and I wonder if my sausage salad is in there too.

Get back to the dancing, you beautiful children!

It was not to be though, we talked some more about WalMart and right when things were about to maybe turn into an orgy, somebody invited a black guy. Everyone eats pizza!

Molly Reynolds ate some. Marika Englehardt ate some. You know who didn't?

Have you ever been to a party where there WASN'T a creepy guy in the bathroom bleeding everywhere and breaking up with his girlfriend?

Me niether. At this party, it was none other than Michael Dice Jr., gettin' weird on some Santanello about...I don't know, but that didn't matter, because not everything is for us to know all the time. Plus, the bathroom moves around the house, so...

Listen, I have much more to say about this play, but let's use this as a jumping off point for conversations about Cherrywood, Geoff Button, and Gene's Sausage Shoppe.

Let's talk more about this later. If you are looking for a pull quote though, let's just say...

"SAUSAGE IS A SEX DRUG FOR YOUR HEART BUT CHERRYWOOD IS A SEX DRUG FOR YOUR EYES AND EARS."

Fuck You, WalMart!!!

Joan of Arc of Cherrywood (Preview by ROB KOZLOWSKI)

I’m seeing CHERRYWOOD tomorrow night, which is directed by David Cromer. I’ve never met the man, although I’ve seen him in person as the stage manager of OUR TOWN. At one point during the play, he ambled about four feet away from me, at which point I felt a kind of warm calm envelop me that I could not explain until I realized that the sinus pressure I had been feeling had miraculously disappeared. I tried to beckon him nearer so he could do something about my eyesight, but it was to no avail.

Now you may think I’m exaggerating Cromer’s effect on audiences. But critical acclaim has fallen upon Cromer’s head like an anvil in a Road Runner cartoon, and it’s gotten to the point that if one of his productions fails not only to entertain, but heal the sick, audiences and critics alike will set him on fire.

But I don’t think David Cromer wants to be the Joan of Arc of the American Theater. He’s not a woman, he’s not French and he’ll never be played on screen by Milla Jovovich (and neither will anyone else, fictional or not, for the rest of eternity, if we’re lucky).

Like I wrote in the paragraph three paragraphs before this paragraph, I’ve never met the man. He has taught at Columbia College, where I teach, which means I have something in common with him that I can bring up if I ever happen to meet him.

We also have the letter “O” in our last names.

That will be a short conversation.

Anyway.

CHERRYWOOD has 49 actors in it. That fact alone makes me want to see it. Add Cromer to the mix and the fact that they’re doing the damn show at Angel Island, a theater so small they’d need to grease the doorways for Audrey Hepburn to fit through, makes this show a must-see for me.

It better be good.

Cherries in the Woods and Asses in the Seats (Preview by James Anthony Zoccoli)

I don’t know much, but I know what I like. To the point where I can look at something – advertising for a movie, packaging of a candy bar, the child-bearing hips of a human female – and know instantly whether or not it’s for me.

“Crunchy peanut butter coated in a rich toasted coconut? Nice try, Zagnut. See you in hell!”

“The critics agree this film simultaneously transcends and redefines a genre? Whatever, Dark Knight!”

That’s just how I talk to the advertising, though. I’m much nicer to human females. However, it is for this aforementioned reason that I so seldom go to the theatre to see plays.

“What does a guy named Tennessee know about New Orleans? Keep on rollin’ down the line Streetcar! I’m takin’ the bus, thank you very much!!”

“A heartwarming celebration of one young boy’s triumph against the odds set in a small mining town? Piss off & top o’the mornin’ to ya’, Billy Elliot! I’ll be in the WC smoking a fag, you ponce!!”

Well, every so often something comes along that disarms my hostile retaliation to the assault of advertising.

You know what I mean. That constant onslaught of overactive superlatives and underimaginative descriptions that accosts my senses and tries to pick my pocket - like that dude at the Taste of Chicago last year, which is the only reason that I’m going back this year is so that I can find that son of a bitch and follow him around and catch him “accidentally bumping into” somebody else and “accidentally bump into” his face with my fist. Repeatedly.

But I digress. Or do I? Because that’s the way I feel about the marketing approach of most everything in the world today. Everywhere you look there’s somebody lying to you and trying to take your money.

Contrarywise, there are those rare times when you read some simple, straight forward account that touches your heart and you know that it’s the real thing, baby. A testimonial. A phrase. A font. None of us know what it is, exactly, this magically convincing sales formula but it compels you out of your seat into action. Into the line at the movie theatre or the grocery store or the technology shack. I still respond to this kind of advertising – literally, I talk to it – but with a lot less exclamation points after each line.

The other day, I’m leafing through the entertainment section of the newspaper (I didn’t think they still made newspapers but they do because what else are we gonna’ use to wrap our fish and line our bird cages) and I read: Cherrywood.

“Cherrywood?” First, I figured it was just the best porn title ever. I love puns. I love compound words! This is BOTH!!

Then, I realized it was just a stageplay and I thought, “Since when does the Admiral Theatre produce plays?”

Finally, I learned that Cherrywood was a incredible piece of experimental performance art. So, I figured I should get over my fear of the internet and read some more about this show. On their website, the marketing experts at Mary-Arrchie Theatre Company (who, in stroke of genius also call their space by a different name: Angel Island) describe the show as such: ‘A hilarious and intriguing bender loaded with great music, social commentary and cutting-edge structure. Sure to be one wild ride!’

And I’m like: “Bender? Loaded? Music? Commentary? Okay, okay! Enough!! I’m in!!! Let ME on the wild ride!!!!”

But it doesn’t stop there: “Cutting-edge structure??? UNCLE!!!!!”

Until I scream out the window: “THIS IS THE PLAY FOR ME!!! Take me, Cherrywood!! Take me now!”

(Okay, I guess there are still lots of exclamation points, but these are the joyfully-noisy kind, not the furiously-angered kind.)

Well. As if that weren’t enough, word on the street is that it’s also about Werewolves, dude. And you know where there are Werewolves, there are Werebitches. HOT. MUCH hotter than human females. (Sorry, human females, but you know it’s true.) If there is anything that can guarantee a fulfilling and cathartic theatre experience, it’s a stank-ass room full of sweatified actors under the brilliant guidance of brilliant director David “Brilliant” Cromer groping their way through an avant-garde mad-lib…and all the while you don’t know which of these Werebitches is gonna’ kill somebody.

Euripides knew it. Shakespeare would have done it himself if it wasn’t for the whole Queen thing. Brecht is green with envy and rolling over in his grave.

I’m no reviewer, but if I was, I would say something like: “This Cherrywood is truly a thing of wonder and awe which must be beheld to be believed and should be seen by all.”

Plus, I read somewhere that Cedric the Entertainer is in it and I absolutely LOVE that cat!! He be havin’ me ROLLIN’, y’all.

I haven’t even seen the thing yet and I give it 50 Stars.

GO USA:jaz.

What Cherrywood will be like when I eventually get to go see it (which may not be for awhile) by John Alan Taflan

As an actor on America’s third coast, I’m often asked to imagine things, places, and even whole persons in an attempt to entertain and enlighten a gathering of individuals.

Having restricted my more executable mind-play to the highly glossed boards of this city’s more endowed institutions (and those deemed worthy by the Union of Acceptable Actors), I was surprised to receive a call on my Blackberry from a Mr. Anderson Lawferson (a notorious, non-acceptable actor). I usually avoid answering calls from area codes other than 312 or 212, but something told me to not ignore the ringer this time. Let this be a lesson in trusting your instincts, folks; Anderson’s gruff, will-bleed-for-the-art honesty had me hooked the from his first sharp intake of breath. The proposition was a simple one: “Go see this Cherrywood thing and let us know if there really are 49 people in it.” I had a better idea. Being that I’m currently in the pre-Broadway tryout of Vanilla Sky: A Musical over at the Oriental, there was no way I could make it to some gas station on the North Side. I said, “Anderson, you tell me what it’s about, and I’ll just use my professional imagination to fill in the details.” He wasn’t very much help.

In any case, Cherrywood, as I see it:

Cherrywood opens in total darkness. The low rumble of approaching water, starting from the back of the “theatre,” slowly overtakes the space with a massive crash. As the lights come up, we see a haphazardly-dressed pile of what we later learn are 49, twenty-something party goers (I think the water is a metaphor for something, too).

As the everyone slowly awakens, an impromptu jug-band forms stage left to accompany the evening’s festivities (and provide appropriate foley effects). As the girls of the cast (who are all named Jane Smith) begin arranging an intricate parade of glass animals, the men of Cherrywood (Joe Smiths, all of them), begin the painstaking task of hanging a dozen or so boulders above the stage and audience.

I should note that the bevy of beautiful, non-professional actors and actresses is truly an inspiring sight. You really get the feeling –and audibly hope--that they would do anything on that stage. Harnessing Kirk Lynn’s comprehensive and detailed opus (think In Search of Lost Time sans the Proustian “moralizing”) the cast delivers at every turn. In a particularly moving exchange, a 10 person daisy-chain of bros “ice” each other using that most delicious of malt beverages.

With relationships this involving, the plot is almost secondary (something to do with fundraising to save a logging permit). Relationships come together, re-form, and fall apart as the group works itself into a frenzy of dancing, dialogue and relationships. As the party reaches its climax, one of the intoxicated Joe Smiths trip over an ottoman to reveal a mysterious buried hatch. The Joe and Jane Smiths enter the hatch to find a Frenchwoman protecting some sort of clock.

Turns out, everyone is dead and the play ends with the group gathering in a church to hug their fathers.

In the event that Vanilla Sky doesn’t transfer—who are we kidding, it will—I’ll be excited to take in a showing of Cherrywood for myself. Thank you, Anderson Lawferson, for giving me this opportunity to get back to my roots. Call again, anytime.

Chicago Stage Review review of Cherrywood

Venus Zarris is getting more credit in this town. I, for one, think she has a really keen eye and her website www.chicagostagereview.com is one of the best for theater in the city if not the universe.
So naturally, I was a little confused by her take on David Cromer's imaginative and transcendent version of the Rude Mechanicals play "Cherrywood: a play by David Cromer".
Cherrywood has changed the way Americans see theater and soon, with the world on our heels, we will control and dominate everything that theater has to offer anyone, such as I dominate ants when I am outside.
Ms. Zarris has lines in her review such as:
"It is preposterous to expect the audience to connect with Cherrywood’s ludicrous contrivances."
Well, that may be true, and nobody seems to be arguing that point. But what I'm not hearing from Venus is about how fucking totally rad werewolves are.
Have you ever SEEN a werewolf, Venus? Clearly you haven't, because if you had, you wouldn't be so worried about things making sense all the time. Werewolves bring milk to parties and bang all the good looking chicks and they go to the best parties and WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING ME ON THIS!!?
Werewolves are cool and I will accept nothing less than a different review just about werewolves and how they are awesome and maybe an apology letter to David Cromer, even though he probably won't read it because now he is in New York directing Phylicia Rashad and Rutger Hauer in "Arsenic and Old Lace" or whatever play he wants to turn into the number one summer jam play in New York.
I think your review might have some good stuff to say in it, but I can't help but wonder, what if you had seen it with a chinese menu in your hand.

Venus Zarris' review of Cherrywood
C+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

EXCLUSIVE Interview with Cherrywood star Briana De Giulio

We sat down with Briana De Giulio to dish about Dereck Garner, Cherrywood, and Dereck Garner's sexuality.  Looks like Briana wants an EXCLUSIVE of her own!!  Let's CHERRYWATCH:

Are you enjoying working on Cherrywood?

Its as much work as it is trying to identify who likes boys and who likes girls in the theatre world: Easy and fun! 

What's been the most satisfying part?

The Mary-Arrchie isn't a big space. And the cast is larger than there seems to be room for. So there's a lot of "accidental groping" when trying to find space to move in on the set. So I guess its satisfying when I'm near Dereck Garner and that happens.

How would you characterize the most satisfying part?

If I could find a word that is even better than "sexy," that's what I'd characterize it as. And the closest thing I can even think to that is "Dereck Garner."

Are you enjoying that?

Who doesn't enjoy getting to spend their nights watching Dereck Garner with his shirt off?

Is Dereck Garner gay?

If Dereck Garner is gay, then I don't want to be a lady.

Do you think you are better than me?

I'm not better than you, but Dereck Garner is.

Thanks for your time. What do you think about Dereck Garner's performance?

I'd like to see someone do it better with their clothes on. Won't happen.

Have a nice life.

Are you being sarcastic because I said Dereck Garner is better than you? C'mon. Friends need to be honest with friends.

People Corner (Rich Cotovsky)

Every show has a leader and Award winning David Cromer's Cherrywood is no exception. There is a director, in this case the award winning David Cromer, but he is not the soul of this ensemble. How could he be, for he is so small and old.
This theater production is blessed with a sage that has seen it all. A shaman of plays that has been there, and will gladly tell the youngsters how to respect their elders.
His name is Rich Cotovsky and he has done everything. Do not pretend that he hasn't banged your mom, and probably your dad too.
Don't worry though, his smooth voice and mellow tones will make you not be mad anymore because you will fall asleep and cuddle on his lap in his van.
If you touch or look at his skin, be prepared to have the best orgasm of your life, because that's what you will have.
Also, he makes good soup, and can crockpot the shit out of a brisket.
He is a pharmacist in his civilian life, but that just means that he will prescribe you an ass whoopin' if you don't stop fronting.
I can't wait to see what they do with this, the stateliest of Chicago legends in a play filled with so much hot young ass.
Godspeed, Rich Cotovsky.

The Cast is Very Sick!

Sources confirmed on Friday that the entire cast is suffering from an illness that is threatening to destroy the very fabric of this once great and powerful play with no plot or characters. Sources tell us that no less than 30 members of the cast have become infected with what doctors are unable to diagnose at our human levels of technology. Symptoms have included barfing, thick, rich coughs, sneezing, wet hands, and edema (or dropsy). If you see any of these cast members, please stay away as they will ask you for cigarettes and probably hug you.
The ground zero body for the illness is Brian Hinkle, teen heartthrob and weirdo.
More news on this breaking development as it...develops.

EXCLUSIVE Interview with Michele Gorman!!!

Hello Cherrywatchers!  Today we have an interview with Columbia College grad and Cherrywood star Michele Gorman!

Nice to Meet You!

it's 9 am eric - i'm not in the mood.

How was your weekend?

what weekend?

Let's get right to the questions.

didn't you just ask a question?

Last Meal You’d Eat Before You Die?

i'm not on death row, eric, i don't like this question.

Last Time You Sang To Katy?

i don't know who that is and i don't care.

Last Time You Were Mistaken For Another Celebrity?

every day i have to remind carlo that i'm not that chick from the oc - the skinny one w/the drug problem - i mean i guess there's some similarities...

Last Time You Saw Katy?

haven't we already been thru this? who is this katy person? nevermind, don't tell me. i don't actually care.

Last Time You were Starstruck?

last nite - did you know CARLO LORENZO GARCIA is in this show?

Last Time You Hung Out with Adam Lambert?

i don't really associate w/"those people."

Last Time You Cried?

i'm crying right now.

Last Romantic Date You Had ?

"romantic"? "date?" i'm not familiar with these terms...

EXCLUSIVE Cherrywood BBQ Pics! The Stars Are Just Like Us!

The whole gang! They party just like US!

Rich Cotovsky learns what fire can do!

Everyone can eat!

Sexy smiles!

This cast is HIP and underage!

Smoking is pretty cool at Camp Cherrywood! Join in kids!

Even special people can have fun at BBQs!

Be on the lookout for new heartthrob Geoff Button!

Javier Bardem and Briana are ready for your questions!

Grab a hat, why don't you?

About to make out with David Cromer? EXCLUSIVE!

Briana De Giulio laughs at Kasia, which quickly turns into a sexy arm rub.

Aileen May from Factory Theatre's Hey Dancin' is so mad at her new friends!

The older folks like to sit around the grill and talk about the old theatre times when Malkovich used to do the grilling and Michael Shannon would get really drunk and try to kiss them.

Exclusive Interview with Paul Holmquist

David Cromer's Cherrywood is rapidly becoming the most successful play to be on Planet Earth since Angels in America made it's way to Broadway during the Stonewall riots.
I was able to sit down with the second most important director in Chicago to discuss the arrival of the Cherrywood bus, and what this will mean to the future of entertainment as a whole and him in particular.


Nice To See You Paul.
--Yeah, right. Like I trust you.

Why Would You Say Something Like That To Me?
--You left without even saying Goodbye! No explanation, nothing. Just left me with the flaming bag of dogshit in my hand like it all meant nothing to you.

Let's Get Started, Jerk.
--Fine. Use me. Why stop now.

Last Time I Cried:
--When I woke up and you were gone and I saw the $45 on my nightstand.

Last Time I Lied:
--When I sang "I aint missing you at all"

Last Thing I Bought:
--A fifth of Jim Beam.

Last Time I Was Angry:
--When I opened my email and saw you wanted something from me. I owe you NOTHING. You took EVERYTHING.

Last Indulgence:
--I'm indulging you right now, you heartless fuck.

My Favorite Thing About Cherrywood At Mary Arrchie:
--All of the money those fine actors will make. 49 people finally making a living wage in Storefront theatre thanks to David "Jesus Walks" Cromer bringing in the big money from New York. I can't wait to miss this one!

Last Dream:
--A small cottage in the country, just us two. You come home from a long day working on our modest farm and I've just baked an olive loaf.

Last Food I’d Like To Eat Before I Die:
--You think about that and think hard. Before I Die. Doesn't it hurt just a little?

Last thing I bought my Mom:
--Tickets to your last show. What an idiot I was.

Why I think I'm so much better than you:
--Because I don't need you! I'm better than this! If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it - I'm out the door!

What's The Attraction To Cherrywood?
--Her name is Alison Cain.

Thanks For Your Time.
--Leave me alone. For ever.

An Interview with House Theatre Artistic Director Nathan Allen! EXCLUSIVE!

So, I sat down with wunderkind Artistic Director Nathan Allen, who finally brought interesting theatre to Chicago with The House Theatre Company. I asked him some probing questions! Come on, join the probe!

Are you upset that you did not think of doing Cherrywood first?

Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie with the plastic eyeballs
(Ed. – This is a weird comment.)

So wait, the House does original work?

Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
(Ed. – Wait, Eric, he was actually saying these things? Eric – Yes. I don’t think he was really listening, he kept looking at his iPhone and sort of chuckling.)

What's your earliest memory?

The daytime crap of the folksinger club
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
(Ed. – This comes nowhere near answering the question. Eric – He started rubbing my knee here also.)

Does it hurt to think about it now?

You can’t write if you can’t relate
(Ed. – This is retarded. Eric – I dunno. It’s all he would say. He was wearing a Nixon mask at this point.)

What's for din-din tonight?

Go crazy with the cheese whiz
(Ed. – Oh, come on! Eric – Please, can I go? This is too painful to relive like this.)

Does it hurt to think about it now?

I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it
(Ed. – What a jerk. What a huge fucking jerk. Eric - *sobs*)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

INTERVIEW WITH CARLO GARCIA

Carlo Garcia has been a recluse for many years, walking in the delicate shadow of Hans Fleischmann as the leading beauty and best friend of Rich Cotovsky. He recently sat down with me and had a jovial interview about love, loss, and a return to a simpler time.
It's nice to see you again, Carlo.

Silence

Maybe I should just begin my interview?

Silence

You are very handsome.

Garcia flashes his luxurious smile

Ok, when was the last time you went home to Ohio?

Sunday August 13 2006, I was in Cleveland, Ohio to see Tom Waits play a secret show at the House of Blues, the show was General Admission, so I was able to get about 3 people from the stage. I remember looking up and seeing Jim Jarmusch up in the balcony and wanted to start chanting "I screama, you a'screama, we all a'screma for ice creama". There was a point in the set where we sprayed with Tom Waits sing spit. I was in Cleveland for 3 hours and saw both of their buildings, used a payphone, watched the poor people wait for buses, saw the Moses Cleveland Statue, and had some street food.


Last time you felt starstruck?

I got a little starstruck in March when I ran into Creed from ABC's The Office in Austin, he was a cool dude.


Last time you watched a sports game?

I was at the Cubs game last week with Rich, didn't you see us on TV? Come on, Andy, we were featured audience members! Get a TV and do some research!


Last time you saw your brother Drew?

Not cool, bro, not cool, if you really must know, last time I saw him was in the womb, thanks for telling everyone I ate my twin, real professional.
[Editor's note: I had no idea this weirdo had eaten his twin]


Last time you took a vacation?

I took a work-cation to SXSW in March, but last real vacation was to Portland last year. I will definitely be taking a vacation once Cherrywood opens. In this economy, I think I will be spending two nights at the Svengoolie Museum/Bed&Breakfast in beauti-dull Berwyn, Illinois.


So you think you are better than me?
Do we really need to go through this again, Andy?


Last time you checked Facebook or Twitter?
3 times during this interview and currently right now. I can't wait to tweet how much of a twit you are.


Last time you were caught in a snowstorm?
Does a snowstorm of your bullshit count? No? Then, never.